April Fool's wine post 2023

Big Wine consortium will launch a line of plant-based wines

"I hope you haven't run out of that natural, plant-based wine."

The three biggest U.S. wine companies, which control almost half of the American market, will announce on April 1 that their consortium — The GalTrinWine Group – will launch a line of plant-based wines.

Said a consortium spokeswoman: “We have done the studies and we have the data, and we can see that the U.S. wine consumer wants to drink healthier – and what’s more healthy than wine made with plants?”

The new brand is called Grape Juice, which the spokeswoman said emphasizes the wine’s natural-ness. “What’s more natural than wine made with grapes?” she asked. “This is a concept that really resonated with our focus groups.”

The Grape Juice wines will carry a suggested retail price of $18 and include most of the major varietals, plus red and white blends. They will be vegetarian and vegan, contain only 125 calories, and focus on low sugar and low alcohol.

“The price is the sweet spot for the lifestyle wine drinker, someone who cares about what they put in their body but knows that they need to spend more to drink better,” said the spokeswoman. “And the calorie count, as well as low sugar and low alcohol, are what makes the Grape Juice wines unique.”

Reaction from the wine industry was swift and enthusiastic. Several leading wine marketers applauded the new brand, saying it was just the thing to connect with younger consumers. Said one: “Who needs ingredient labels when you have forward-thinking producers like GalTrinWine hitting a home run with a product like this?”

And the Winestream Media was even more enthusiastic. One leading website made a special podcast to praise the new product. “If we like this new wine, and we’re so hip and cool,” said the host, “then everyone will like it, won’t they?”

Legendary wine blogger Jeff Siegel, the Wine Curmudgeon, declined to comment. However, a person close to Siegel said he was sitting in a dark corner, mumbling something that sounded like, “Now you know why I worry about the future of the wine business,” over and over.

Photo: "The state-run wine shop" by James Cridland is licensed under CC BY 2.0.